If you’d like to listen to a more in depth conversation with Dr Sophie Sterling, you can take a listen to our podcast episode HERE

Sophie, you’re a clinical psychologist but also a mum, wife, business woman… the list goes on! What has your personal journey been like in terms of creating balance in your life and honouring your needs when there’s so much you “should” be doing?

It’s been a messy one! Like so many “high-achievers” I always prided myself on having all of my ducks in a row and everything together. Becoming a mum much before I planned to, initiated the ego death I really needed to recognise that I am a human being, not a “human doing”. I learned the hard way (through multiple burnout cycles and my own mental health challenges) that life was going to be tough if I continued to dedicate my time and energy to what I thought I “should” be doing.

Through healing my body, nervous system, and mind from trauma (both personal and inherited), I have been able to release old ways of thinking and acting and begin to honour my own needs first and foremost. Admittedly this is SO much easier to do as our children grow in independence (our youngest of three is 2 years old), but I actually do now believe that it’s possible to honour our needs in some way at every stage of motherhood and business.

I don’t believe in balance being a thing that we can feel all day every day, but something that we can reflect on over a longer period of time. Did we spend some quality time and energy in each of the areas of life that mean the most to us? Then great! That’s balance!

As business owners, there are so many things we feel like we should be doing, our to-do lists are massive and when we can’t keep up it can make us feel really overwhelmed and lead to procrastination, Can you unpack what’s going on for us when this happens, from a psychologist’s point of view?

Really simply, our brains and bodies are not wired to take on as much as we often do (or try to!). And I know that some people won’t like this, but especially as women. Biological women are cyclical beings, with ebbs and flows in our energy, and every phase carries its own superpower. Except we haven’t been taught to see it that way. We’ve been taught that we should be doing all the things, and doing them consistently, regardless of how we are feeling.

When it comes to overwhelm and procrastination, there’s the bigger picture of: How am I living my life? Is it in alignment with my true values and what I want? How much of my time is being spent on things that I love to do and/or are nourishing to me in some way?

Because honestly our bodies and subconscious minds are GREAT at stopping us from doing things we don’t actually want to do on some level! The deeper work is about reconciling all parts of us to be on board with whatever it is we’re doing or not doing.

And then there’s the in-the-moment cycle of: Resistance to a task (perhaps due to anxiety of some sort “what if I don’t do a good job?”) -> procrastination -> self-judgement/shame -> low mood -> more procrastination -> more self-judgement/shame

You get the gist!

How can we start to break that shame-procrastination loop?

Awareness is always the first step. Noticing when our bodies and/or minds have gone into resistance in some way and not making it mean there’s something wrong with us can be a gamechanger. Because with less judgement and more compassion, we are able to be more curious about where the resistance might be coming from, and how we might be able to help our bodies and minds to feel more supported in doing the thing. Or maybe we realise it’s not something for us to be doing at all!

The issue is, when we are already feeling an intense emotion like fear, it can feel almost impossible to slow down and notice things. So I often advocate focusing on our bodies in the first instance and changing our state – going for a walk, jumping jacks on the spot, or even a cup of non-caffeinated herbal tea can do wonders!  

If someone’s reading and they know that the way they’re running their business is overwhelming them but they’re not sure how to start making a change, what would be some of the first things they should explore?

I would ask myself the following questions:

–          What am I doing that I don’t want to be doing?

–          Do these things need to be done?

–          If yes, how else might they be able to get done? If no, goodbye!

–          What are the things that HAVE to be done by me in my business (ideally your “zone of genius”)?

–          Who or what can I outsource everything else to? This doesn’t have to cost lots of money either, there are so many free/low-cost tools out there, as well as people who want to help and professionals who will give you a great return on investment! Many of us have become so hyper-independent (perhaps in response to trauma) that we struggle to ask for, or even allow in, help. But the truth is, building a successful business requires it! And so does motherhood in my opinion!

Be gentle with yourself and make asking for/allowing in help a practice – just like money and resources you can never have too much of it!

This is Off-Grid and we’re here to help people make social media optional in their business so I’d love for you to share what your experience has been with social media and have you found any visibility strategy that you’ve enjoyed doing or seen good results from?

This is actually the part of my business-building journey that I am still experimenting with and trying to find what works for me and my business. As a recovering perfectionist and people-pleaser (and complete technophobe!), my patience in finding an effective way to “show up online” is extremely thin and resistance extremely high haha!

I manage to create video content and find this the least time-consuming and most effective way of connecting my with clients, but it’s important to say that this is because I have had HELP! I wouldn’t know where to begin with editing, creating reels, adding closed captions or any other techy things, and I think that talking more about the help we have in our businesses (and lives!) could really help us ALL with the comparison/shame cycles that we can find ourselves in.

 Are there any specific tools or resources you’d recommend to help business owners who want to start honouring their feelings and showing taking better care of their wellbeing? (Please provide any resources/tools that are research backed exercises and techniques  not created by yourself, or even book recommendations would fit well also that would be great, and then if you want to add in any of your own workshops/resources, write about that also.

As somebody for whom “mindset work” and surface-level “self-care” only made things worse, I will always advocate for a combination of subconscious/nervous system/body-based healing work with coaching to channel healing into helpful direction and action. We CAN do this work ourselves, however (especially for us hyper-independents!) finding a professional to guide you through this process can be super powerful.

Books I’d recommend to help with the journey of developing self-compassion ALONGSIDE business success are:

Books:

Women Who Work Too Much – Tamu Thomas

Infinite Receiving – Suzy Ashworth

Energetic Selling and Marketing – Lenka Lutonska

Thank you so much for your advice Sophie!

If you’d like to listen to a more in depth conversation with Dr Sophie Sterling, you can take a listen to our podcast episode HERE